I woke up this morning, thinking that I was putting on the wrong pants, wrong top. I kept changing clothes, until I realized that it was just me believing my own sick stupidity. I was so insecure that I thought that my clothes would conceal it. Sadly, clothes do.
We all have those pieces: the tee shirt that is just a little too big but it's from the college team we love, those sweatpants that have paint stains on them but we cannot part, or that top that never did look good but it has some amazing memories.
I was a dancer years ago, and my dance warmups were clothes of love. They were threaded with memories, and I came across those clothes recently or rather, my mom did. My pointe shoes were rapped in an old AC/DC shirt that had more paint on it than a room. My clothing in there was a hodgepodge of crap but I cannot bear the thought of parting with them. Why? I'm not really sure.
Is is that I'm scared to move on with my life, or is it that I cannot continue working and moving forward without looking back? It's just a general question.
I'm not a packrat by any stretch of the imagination but I do like to keep ahold of those things that remind me of the good times, but those good time charlie items tend to also keep some sadness with them. Not just the sadness that those times are over. Wow, that sounded like an Eric Clapton song, or worse a country song. Damn I need some more coffee.
I love all of the clothes I own, and I still to this day cannot get rid of my leotard, even though I haven't danced in over 3 years. But why can't I? Is it just immaturity? Is it hope that I'll dance again? Is is that I see the potential in fashion? Is this why I still wake up some days and go through so many choices for clothing? Because I cannot make up my mind? Because I'm hoping that the clothes I pick will bring happiness? That that joy will start seeping joy into my skin? It's a sad vicious circle...or is the answer as simple as me just being a total chick? Here I am, about to have one of the girliest events ever, but for some reason, those choices are easier to make than my daily clothing choices. I can decide what kind of shoes, gloves, dress everything and yet this event is going to be photographed and I am going to have these pictures for the rest of my life. For some reason, that doesn't worry me.
Let me change the topic: how do you change people's perception of you? Well, you know what? I don't have an answer for you on that. Why? I need to do it. Or rather, I need to accept that everyone has their own opinion. But how did Madonna do it? Britney Spears? The famous pop artists...if they did it, why can't I...
Do I change my clothes, my hair, my makeup? What do I need to do?
Everytime that I ask this of myself, I realize that I don't want to change a damn thing about myself because if I did, then I wouldn't be me. Wow, I am just one giant soft rock music genre today. I really need to get better.
