10.03.2011
2.21.2011
Wow. What has time done?
The feeling in your stomach you get when you watch someone else get to do what you thought you'd do? You know the one I'm talking about...it's sort of a pang of guilt with a splash of je ne sais pas. I guess that I thought that I had escaped that noose, but alas, here I sit, with the knowledge of that pain.
I started doing something today that I had been avoiding, and for some reason, I could not think of a reason why I was avoiding it, but I knew I was...I just didn't think it would be this hard to look at something and realize that maybe, just maybe the Stones were right.
Is it wrong to be wrought with a twinge of self-centeredness, nay, inner anger and blame? I'm fighting within myself to not be selfish and just think of myself, but here I am, wanting to play martyr and try to make it seem as if the cosmos are all against me. I wish that I could walk away and know that I am not responsible (and to a point I am not), but I have always taken responsibility for things that I have done, especially as I reached adulthood. Now, I want nothing more than to run into someone's arms, cry and be told that everything and anything is mine for the taking and that I am capable of being better than who I am at this moment.
I guess what I never realized was that no matter how strong I think I am, or already am, there will always be more tests for this inner strength. Isn't there a breaking point? A glass ceiling? Should I start yelling "olly olly oxen free?" Do I raise my hands in surrender, or rather just a simple white flag? Whether or not I want to, I guess I'll just figure it out.
I started doing something today that I had been avoiding, and for some reason, I could not think of a reason why I was avoiding it, but I knew I was...I just didn't think it would be this hard to look at something and realize that maybe, just maybe the Stones were right.
Is it wrong to be wrought with a twinge of self-centeredness, nay, inner anger and blame? I'm fighting within myself to not be selfish and just think of myself, but here I am, wanting to play martyr and try to make it seem as if the cosmos are all against me. I wish that I could walk away and know that I am not responsible (and to a point I am not), but I have always taken responsibility for things that I have done, especially as I reached adulthood. Now, I want nothing more than to run into someone's arms, cry and be told that everything and anything is mine for the taking and that I am capable of being better than who I am at this moment.
I guess what I never realized was that no matter how strong I think I am, or already am, there will always be more tests for this inner strength. Isn't there a breaking point? A glass ceiling? Should I start yelling "olly olly oxen free?" Do I raise my hands in surrender, or rather just a simple white flag? Whether or not I want to, I guess I'll just figure it out.
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