The feeling in your stomach you get when you watch someone else get to do what you thought you'd do? You know the one I'm talking about...it's sort of a pang of guilt with a splash of je ne sais pas. I guess that I thought that I had escaped that noose, but alas, here I sit, with the knowledge of that pain.
I started doing something today that I had been avoiding, and for some reason, I could not think of a reason why I was avoiding it, but I knew I was...I just didn't think it would be this hard to look at something and realize that maybe, just maybe the Stones were right.
Is it wrong to be wrought with a twinge of self-centeredness, nay, inner anger and blame? I'm fighting within myself to not be selfish and just think of myself, but here I am, wanting to play martyr and try to make it seem as if the cosmos are all against me. I wish that I could walk away and know that I am not responsible (and to a point I am not), but I have always taken responsibility for things that I have done, especially as I reached adulthood. Now, I want nothing more than to run into someone's arms, cry and be told that everything and anything is mine for the taking and that I am capable of being better than who I am at this moment.
I guess what I never realized was that no matter how strong I think I am, or already am, there will always be more tests for this inner strength. Isn't there a breaking point? A glass ceiling? Should I start yelling "olly olly oxen free?" Do I raise my hands in surrender, or rather just a simple white flag? Whether or not I want to, I guess I'll just figure it out.
